Do you agonize over what to get your husband for Christmas? I certainly do. Power tools scare me, tech gadgets intimidate me, and fishing stuff grosses me out.
But there’s one thing that I know my husband would absolutely love: It’s just a little coupon book I made up for sex–any time he wants it. And I promise to jump in and be adventurous, too!
That may sound a little bit over the top. After all, chances are your husband already wants it all the time. Do you really want to fuel the fire?
I find most women’s primary attitude towards sex is, “how can I get away with not doing it very often?”
In other words, the focus is: What’s the minimum I can do and still be considered a loving wife?
Why are we focused on doing the minimum? Probably because we’re tired, sex doesn’t always feel that great, we’re not in the mood, and we’d rather just sleep. Sex is a hassle. It’s something kind of pathetic that he needs, and I want to deal with it so I can stop worrying about it.
I know that’s how many women feel, but it’s awfully counterproductive. So let me offer another suggestion, and it may sound radical:
Rather than focusing on how many times a week or a month you MUST make love, ask yourself this: Do I have a good reason to say no? And if you don’t, say yes.
Don’t keep track. Don’t say, “We made love two nights ago, so I’m off the hook today.” Think of each night as a new night when you can show love to your husband. And ask yourself, “do I have a good reason to say no?” And if you don’t, say yes!
That’s where the coupons come in. You’re already promising that you’ll deliver, and so you won’t have to agonize whether you want to tonight. You can just make the decision and jump in!
I guarantee that your marriage will improve. He’ll feel like a million bucks, but you’ll also feel closer to him. You’ll be more relaxed around him at other times, too, because you won’t have to worry that he’s upset at you for not making love. He’ll feel closer to you, so he’ll likely talk to you more. And your body will be more relaxed, because we sleep better after sex (in fact, if you’re tired, having sex can give you the rest you need!).
Of course, if sex hurts, you need to deal with it. And if you’re haunted by flashbacks you need to deal with that, too. We should never feel pressured to do something we find dirty or disgusting. But sex itself isn’t dirty, and if that’s how you feel, then please, this Christmas, make a commitment to get a new mindset. I know some of us have major barriers in the bedroom (I did), but you can get over them. Dedicate yourself to figuring out how sex can actually be amazing.
So give him those coupons, and promise yourself: I will make it fun for him! You’ll probably find your body follows, too. So stick a bow on yourself, and play Santa this Christmas. You’ll make him a very happy man!
Sheila Wray Gregoire is the author of five books, including the upcoming The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex with Zondervan. She blogs daily at To Love, Honor and Vacuum.