What if this is all our marriage is ever going to be? I wondered. I hated to even let the thought enter my mind, but there it was. My marriage wasn’t what I thought or hoped it would be. Not until I realized disappointments from the past were ruining my hopes for our future.

My husband, J.J., and I had been married for several years. I thought we would be in a better place by then, but we weren’t. And, I was starting to believe it would never get any better. He wasn’t who I wanted or thought he should be. Disappointment, frustration and anger would come from no where, washing over me and make me feel hopeless. We had our issues, but my emotional responses were always greater than the reality of our struggles.

One day I suggested we give our marriage an injection of hope by signing up for a couples’ conference led by marriage expert and counselor Dr. Gary Smalley. We’d read his books as newlyweds and loved his candid approach to resolving conflict in marriage.

His opening message nailed me! As soon as he started talking about the damaging affects of unresolved anger from our past, I realized the destructive impact mine was having on my marriage. My anger as an adult was coming from years of disappointment as a child.

By the time I was two years old, my parents’ divorce was final. However, my little girl hopes for a happy ending were just beginning to form in my heart at that point. I remember gathering azaleas and walking down my dad’s long driveway lined with magnolia trees, pretending Prince Charming would be on the porch waiting for me.

I thought I’d grown out of those little girl dreams, but that night, I realized my heart was holding on tightly to hopes that they would somehow come true.

When it didn’t look like I was going to get my happily-ever-after, my broken dreams became bitter expectations. Unspoken expectations. I expected my husband to make up for all my dad had never been as a father to me, or as a husband to my mom.

I realized that I had believed my criticism could help him become the husband and dad I desperately wanted him to be. If he could only be those things, my broken dreams could be put back together. My hopes and wishes could come true. J.J. would provide security, affirmation and shelter for my little-girl-emotions that were still crushed inside my heart.

By seeing what was going on, I recognized how unfair it was to expect my husband to make up for what I didn’t have from my dad. Despite the turmoil and confusion from my childhood, I needed to forgive my father for his mistakes. And, I needed to release my husband from expectations of what I thought was my right to a “happily-ever-after.”

As I released my fears and unrealistic expectations, I started to really like and love my man for who he is – as a husband, father and friend. My heart and my marriage began to heal.

We’ve been married now for over eighteen years. Looking back, we are so thankful for what we learned. It was a turning point in our relationship and a time that marked the beginning of us creating the happy ending we always hoped we’d have!